ya_ra_na_i_ka | matoba + natsume; closed

matoba + natsume; closed

summary: pre-fujiwara natsume joins the matoba clan au

[ in a few short weeks, Natsume’s life had completely changed. his days tinted with fear of things he couldn’t understand, days of plastered smiles and lies, and days of wondering how long he had until being passed onto the next house had come to an end. what he now had were days filled with knowledge, protection and a sense of belonging. the initial shyness and awkwardness of coming to a completely new place had begun dissolving, and as each day passed on by, Natsume felt more comfortable within the Matoba clan.

giving a small smile and a bow to one of the maids as she passed by, Natsume hurried along the long halls of the house back to his room after his tutoring session. although he had objected at first, not wishing to be a bother, he was now glad for the fact that he did not have to go to school. it had always been difficult trying to study while deflecting whispers and rumors of himself and ignoring the yokai’s wandering about. within the house grounds, no stray spirits came in and no one in the household was rude enough to whisper about Natsume within hearing range.

as he quickly put away his studying materials, Natsume thought of his current caretaker, Matoba Seiji, the head of the Matoba clan. because of the man, Natsume had been able to learn he was not alone in the world, that he wasn’t crazy like so many of his relatives thought. not only had Matoba given Natsume a new place to stay, he gave Natsume a place that didn't need lies and knowledge about the yokai’s that plagued his life. Matoba shattered Natsume’s previous world and given him an even better one. the day Natsume entered the clan’s grounds, he promised he would do whatever he could to return the gratitude he felt. and for that, he first had to learn everything he could about the unnatural creatures hidden from normal world ]

…It’s no good if I keep running away in fear from them. I have to be stronger… Like Matoba-san.

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[ fighting back his urge to touch the tingling sensation leftover from Matoba's touch, Natsume fidgets and toys with the edge of his sleeves instead. he's not used to physical contact in general, much less affectionate ones. he can remember some hugs and a couple of pats on the head vaguely, but it was never this gentle and... heartfelt ]

Thank you. [ how many times have he said words of gratitude again? Natsume couldn't remember, but he couldn't help himself. it just kept tumbling out of his mouth, unable to contain it within himself ] I... I've never felt so safe and comfortable in my life. And to be able to learn without worrying about what's outside the window, or not be worried about wondering if I'm talking to a human or not. [ he never expected such a life would come. Natsume looks down at his hands still toying with his sleeves ] Everyone's so kind to me... I'm never hungry and I'm always warm. [ he looks back up at Matoba, a large smile and sincerity shining through ]

I'm so happy. Thank you so much, Matoba-san. I'm so glad to have met you.

Well, my little Natsume, I am so glad to have you.

[ The way he words that sentence - the way he says it, seems to angle it possessively, rather than simply the polite response. Because he does believe that the boy is his now, that this strange-eyed, wisp of a boy with eyes stronger than any Matoba clan leader in their family's history belongs entirely, solely to him.

But there is affection in his tone, too. He's fond of the boy, he finds that he can be at ease around him - that, where Natsume's former foster carers were afraid of him - Matoba can see beyond that. With the fact that Natsume can see youkai aside, dismissed as something normal amongst exorcists, he is left with the boy's personality. And, that personality, he thinks, is one of the most gentle, most pleasant he has ever been around.

With those words, Natsume earns himself an indulgent look from the clan leader, and he reaches out again, laying his hand over where the boy has been fidgeting with his sleeve, stilling his fingers and initiating that contact between them ]

I hope that we will get to know each other very well. I'm not your parent - I want you to think of me as your friend, your confidant. [ He strokes the boy's hand with his fingers. ]

You and I can be for each other-- [ He pauses, thumb tracing over Natsume's knuckles. ]-- whatever it is that either of us need, or have wished for.

[ Natsume is far from being skilled with human interaction, he often only has a vague idea on how to react to others and what to do in certain situations. but he while he may lack in experience, Natsume was a perceptive child and he was especially good at telling if someone were lying to him, trying to hide the negative emotions someone felt for Natsume.

that was why, despite the worried and confused look he got, Natsume was the most relaxed around Matoba. he could tell that the man wasn't lying when he said he was glad to have Natsume. that Matoba genuinely had some sort of affection towards him. after his upbringing, Natsume was much more cautious and closed-off than a normal person. the people of this household might think Natsume was just desperate for affection, but if it wasn't real, Natsume wouldn't have opened up to Matoba. wouldn't have placed his trust. ]

A friend... [ he hesitates for a moment before carefully turning his palm upwards and gently holding on to the fingers that were stroking his hand ] Thank you, but... if I can be completely selfish, I want to keep thinking of you as my family. [ it's nerve-wracking, saying what he wants. this is the first time, and the flush that was in his cheeks has disappeared ] Sometimes people stop being friends, but you can't ever stop being family. I want something that can't be severed so easily.

[ Natsume stops, his hold on Matoba's fingers a little more tight and lightly shaking ] I'm sorry, I'm asking too much aren't I? [ he looks away from the other's eyes, afraid to see how Matoba will react ]

[ The exorcist's thin fingers close on Natsume's, something in the curl of them cages the boy's hand within his own; a little firmly, a little roughly. But, his expression is gentle - that smile that curves his mouth is as unknowable as ever, and he meets the boy's eyes, leaning forward, as if to tell him a secret. Matoba's feelings towards Natsume are as consumptive and as possessive as any he has ever had for another creature - he wants to cage him, to keep him, to turn him into the prodigal exorcist that he knows he can be. But, equally, he wants to have him in other ways, intimate ways, to show him the most fundamental way of knowing another human being; inside and out, he wants Natsume spread out on the sheets beneath him, arching his back, wants to hear broken moans and whispered confessions - wants the boy to dig his nails into his back, wants to push, and pull and hold him down, tie him up, make him scream until he's hoarse. ]

I want more than that.

[ Oh, his words scrape only the surface.

There's a pause from the exorcist then, and he leans closer, to divulge the second half of his two-part secret. ]

And, Natsume-kun, you could never ask too much. Only, perhaps, if you asked me to let you go.

[ He strokes the boy's hand, and gives him an incongruously pleasant smile, as if he where telling him some anecdote from his morning meeting with the clan exorcists. ]

[ the first thing Natsume reacts to is the last part of Matoba's words. almost by reflex he shakes his head ] I wouldn't ask you that. I wouldn't want that at all. [ after all that was what he was terrified of most. being let go and cast away from this house. Natsume wasn't sure if he would be able to survive, after knowing of a world and people that were like him and had accepted his abilities.

it's a beat after that Matoba's other words sink in. there weren't any anger or disgust over Natsume's wish, which felt like a miracle to him. but as for the very first remark... he blinks a couple of times, before hesitantly looking back at the exorcist, unconsciously leaning in closer ] More...? More than family? [ he's not sure what that means. he had always thought the strongest relationship anyone could have was being a family ]

[ There's a satisfied hum from Matoba, and he pets the boy's hand where it's held in his own, tipping his head to the side and considering his recently acquired apprentice. Such blind loyalty - that's the kind of attachment he could only have dreamt of. What an extraordinary thing to have in a new recruit? But of course, with Natsume, he wants that attachment for slightly skewed reasons. ]

Mm, yes, more.

[ Making no move to add to that, he raises the boy's hand, and presses his mouth to the innermost part of his wrist, just above those pale blue veins. He smirks against the skin there, then: ]

But, we'll discover what works for us in our own time, yes? For now, know that you needn't hide anything from me - you can speak openly, as you wish here.

[ Stroking Natsume's wrist, he places the boy's hand back down, holding it in both of his own. It's probably best to begin these things slowly - the boy is young, he'll learn to recognise what he wants, how he wants things to be. But, for the moment, it's enough to lay the foundation - Matoba is patient, he knows just how to wait so that the results are pleasing. He's willing to allow something to grow between them, rather than forcing it from nowhere. However, he will mould the direction of that growth, so that is suits him.

Another smile is levelled at Natsume, his hand still captive in both of Matoba's, and the exorcist's voice is a deep purr. ]

You should sleep in here.

[ he's a little disappointed that Matoba won't say what the more is, but if the older man didn't think it was necessary now, Natsume was fine with that. he trusted Matoba will teach him when the time came.

besides, right now his mind was more busy with trying to take in Matoba's current actions. Natsume isn't sure how to react, never having being in a similar situation before. it wasn't that he disliked it, but he's not sure what kind of gesture the... kiss? touch? was. the only thing he can do is try and hold back the small shudder that went through his body at the contact and fight down the blush rising in his cheeks.

there's a small inhale of breath as Natsume tries to respond with a level voice, trying to act as normal as possible. but the shaky voice, red cheeks and the confusion in his eyes are easy to see ]

Sleep here? But what about you, Matoba-san? [ pause ] Did you mean... share a futon with you?

Perhaps not yet, you can bring yours. We can talk together then, at night, before bed.

[ Matoba smiles at him, something glinting in his eye when he sees the colour pour into Natsume's cheeks. It's clear to him that the boy has all the reservations of his age - he'd know what the implication of sleeping in the same room was, surely? Although, now that the exorcist considers it, he has no knowledge of how much the teenager has been taught about those sorts of things - and he wonders that how much of the boy's consenting to something physical between them would be due to desire for the clan leader himself, or to ensure the security of his position in his new home. Potentially, he thinks, looking at that blush, it would be a combination of the two, and he pats Natsume's hand, something comforting in the gesture.

There's a wicked lilt beneath his words when he does speak, however; an implication that may go over the boy's head, but exists there nonetheless, subliminal in the way it hints openly at a sexual relationship. ]

I hope that if you were curious about anything, you would come to me with your questions. There's no topic off limits between you and I, Natsume-kun.

[ A beat, and that smile widens. ]

You may find the answers are simpler than you imagined.

[ Which is a lie. Nothing is ever simple with Matoba - least of all this.

But, he lets go of Natsume's hand, and reaches out to press the back of a cool hand to his cheek, his smile not wavering. ]

Why are you blushing?

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matoba + natsume; closed

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